27th Sep 2004
Memo To Kitchen Ants
To the six legged invaders downstairs:
Your time of play in and around my kitchen sink is fast nearing the end. I have cleaned the counters thoroughly, but still you persist in all combinations of Group Arthropod Kama Sutra amongst my innocent dishes.
I have followed your trail to the outside, past the veranda and out towards the driveway. As I would expect from you invertebrates, the trail mysteriously vanishes. This is probably a good indication that you were sent from the Underworld, but it’s likelier still that you just have a “really cool tunnel system”. You’re not paying rent, and I would have thought that wiping out 100’s of your ants and uncles (ha ha, a little human humour) would have been hint enough for you to high tail it to somewhere more suitable (the Petaluma City Hall comes to mind).
But nooo, apparently news doesn’t travel well through all of those feelers crowding out your sense of self-preservation. Look, there isn’t food lying around, leave!
I am giving you until 8 am to clear out of my kitchen. Should you persist in mocking my efforts (holding 4 legs to your little noses while making obscene gyrations), you will feel the wrath of Raid! Do not think, my little roaming exoskeletal squatters, that I won’t cut loose with massive amounts of aerosol hell upon thee!
And stay out of my coffee grinder.
Sincerely,
The Master Of The House.
